Reality?

I am going to university. Naturally everyone that I know has assumed I will live the next three years in squalor whilst only eating gone off beans and the dead rats that infest my room. Family friends especially are keen to save me from this fate and as a result I have been plied with "student cook books".

As all teenagers know there is nothing worse than writers trying to be "down with the kids", especially when these writers themselves claim to be "one of the kids". This is sadly the case with my student cook book. It's called "SORTED!" which I assume is meant to reflect how young people only have the attention span for words of 2 syllables or less. It details recipes within of varying complexity all of which lean toward saving money. Now this is undoubtedly handy given that I am going to be in more debt than sub Saharan Africa within three years but the terms that these money saving tips are couched in rankles somewhat. In case I didn't realise that having money was good they continually remind me - the less money you spend on food the more you've got for beer! the more you've got for watching footie! the more you've got for buying condoms to shag fit birds with! ( It doesn't say exactly that but you get the drift)

By all accounts this book has been written "for students by students". I've never understood the whole idea of advice from a person similar to yourself. Sure it may be easier to relate to but I wouldn't want heart surgery from a medicine student who bounds into the operating theatre shouting "wicked!" and "quality!" , as the writers of "SORTED!" do on a regular basis. Rather than being "for students by students" it seems that "SORTED!" is "for students by idiots who think they know what students are like but in fact have just lived their whole lives as walking cliches". Not only do they not know their market but they also horrifically underestimate them. There are recipes which detail the difficult art of making fillings for sandwiches. Now I have always thought I knew how to make sandwiches but it seems that I missed out on a lot of the requisite culinary education. After deciding that students can't simply decide that they want cheese and ham in their sandwiches they provide a recipe which is so ridiculously complicated that it totally defies practicality. The intoduction states that making your own "delicious alternative" to Subway sandwiches saves money. They then go on to tell you to toast some pine nuts and take the flesh from an avacado have in your "sarnie". Maybe it's just easier to make a ham or buy one?

What I don't think the authors of "SORTED!" understand is that although I don't mind drinking alchohol the reason I will cook their recipe for beef and mint curry is so I can have dinner. It will not be to "absorb the alcohol after that 'quiet drink' down the union that became a marathon session! This is the perfect end to any night - a perfect Ruby Murray!". Really?