Episode Transcript - Edition 4,921 - 22/10/09
A: Thankyou David. Nick Griffin in relation to your parties attempt to hijack Winston Churchill's legacy I would like to ask - are you a tosser?
NG: There is no definite evidence that I have seen to suggest that I am a tosser. I realise the common view is that I am a massive penis but until recently I was unwilling to accept that I am indeed a tosser. However I cannot explain why but I have changed my mind. I did actually hear some radio intercepts from the Eastern front, the general gist of which was "Nick Griffin is an odious dicksplash who looks like the bride of chucky". This somewhat reinforced the general feeling for me and my party that I am indeed a tosser.
Jack Straw: You do not need radio intercepts to know that you are a tosser! I as justice secretary of this country personally assure you that the laws regarding Tosser Denial make it very easy for you to explain how you came to this view point
DD: Pipe down Jack. Bonnie Greer, why is it that so many people thought Nick Griffin's appearance on question time would be a triumphant one for the BNP?
BG: I have no clue David. Certainly aesthetically Mr Griffin will not appeal to floating voters. If I were and image consultant for the BNP my first move would be to remove the entirety of Mr Griffin's face and perhaps replace it with that of a horse. It would be more attractive, appear more studious and would give a a greater sense of assurance than Mr Griffins current face to this country that he is ready for the serious business of government
(loud applause)
DD: Lady Warsi what do you make of these proposals to replace Mr Griffin's face with that of a horse?
LW: I completely agree David, although I would be worried about the positive impact that this could have on the BNP's electoral fortunes. However, much though that I disagree with their policies I feel there should always be an outlet in a representative democracy for idiot minority parties. I believe that the democratic system has in this respect been let down by 12 years of wasteful Labour government - why haven't Labour ensured that Mr Griffin is walking around with an equine head? I think his current hideous visage and the lack of a Shergar-esque replacement highlights once again the terrible oversights of this Labour government.
JS: This is a totally ridiculous statement. We, as a government, mounted a review of minority party politics as far back as 2007 which recommended the drastic measures of taking Mr Griffin's face away entirely to help representative democracy for even the coarsest nutters amongst us. This fact in conjunction with the economic shit heap we've created and the expenses scandal mean that it is we the Labour party who have been looking out for the BNP from the very begining.
DD: Chris Huhne what is your view on the issue?
CH: Well David I would like to once again reiterate the support of myself and that of my party for the plans to end the ceaseless torment that is Nick Griffin's face. Churchill was mentioned earlier and I believe that that great man, who was first a Liberal, fought so that we had the freedom from oppression and fascism that would allow us to decide whether to replace a mans head with that of a horse. Churchill, who I hasten to add was first a Liberal, tirelessly stood against the forces of evil to secure the basic freedoms that we take granted for today.It was Winston, who I'm not sure if I mentioned was first a Liberal, who once said "we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving we would still have the sense to replace the head of any pug faced facist twats with one resembling Black Beauty"
(loud applause)
END OF SEQUENCE
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