"The Baltimore Bandwagon will be leaving from platform BBC 2 at 11.20..."

Something else has just been brought to my attention that warrants another post. The BBC has taken the admirable but slightly late step of airing Best Show in the World ever TM The Wire with an epsiode every week night until it's conclusion. I readily admit that I wasn't exactly there at the begining but anyone who watches it can consider themselves a massive Bandwagon Jumper.

They can also be proud for taking the time to watch such a brilliant show- but they are still bandwagoners. I will be gutted if there is a large audience for the first episode that falls away when people realise its challenging. As creator David Simon said in the Guardian on Saturday: "Fuck the average viewer"

Wierd Week

Every so often news cycles throw up stories that seem as if they have been pasted from the "quirky" section in light hearted magazines. A horse that thinks it's a dog, a man getting stuck to a toilet, strangely themed weddings- all are staples of the strange news pages. Instead of being left there this week for light relief it looks as though someone has decided to place them front and centre to offer escapism from the tales of economic woe.

If you change the names and get to the very heart of the stories they act as weirdly compressed archetypes of trivial news. The headlines themselves read like those from hilarious satirical website The Onion the writers of which specialise in creating the strange stories that genuine news outlets can only dream of. So here they are ridiculous and resplendent in their all their mental glories.

1] Man pays for Porn with taxpayers money

This is great story on it's own but when you add to the mix that the man in question is Home Secretary Jaqui Smith's Husband you have a more serious commentary on the exploitative Parliamentary climate during a time of economic meltdown. It has been reported with almost mock sincerity, given how unbelievable it is, by most places including the Beeb who stated brilliantly that: "Ms Smith was not at home when they were viewed". Something that has also been lost somewhat under the porno revelations is the fact that Smith's husband also watched Oceans 11 twice and animated kids film Surfs Up (chronicling the life of a surfing penguin) on MP expenses. Was the Home Secretary out of the house then as well allowing her husband to indulge in the surreptitious watching of kids films? I think she should argue that the films were used for research purposes- after all Oceans 11 does detail the exploits of a bunch of egotistical men fooling everyone to get away with a shit load of everyone else's money, a perfect metaphor for the credit crunch that Smith an GB are "saving the world" from.

2] Teenagers attempt to undermine Religious leader by posting condoms to sacred site.

I genuinely did not make this up. A Facebook group has been established to start a campaign against the Pope by sending him "millions" of condoms after comments about their relation to the African aids epidemic. Again a farce with a serious core after the Hitler Youth Alumni said some hideously ill conceived, as well as totally untrue things, about a subject that is nothing to do with him. The response however is pure comedy gold and I really hope through some miraculous alignment of the fates a celibacy advocating catholic youth group turn up at the Vatican for a pilgrimage only to see truckloads of condoms with the Pope's face being unload near St Peters basilica.

3] Perennial Loser beats record breaking champion in F1 after his team forget to make him a good car

Ah Jenson Button. Lauded by a press starved of acheivement in motor racing when he managed a couple of podium finishes, reviled when his startling underacheivement was highlighted by someone better. But now it seems the tables have turned and right is wrong and wrong is right in F1 as if in some sporting parody of a Shakespearean tragedy. The King has been usurped in Lewis Hamilton and replaced by an unlikely sucessor driving for a ridiculously named team (that is also a dream for headline writers; Brawn triumphs over... must have been used loads already). The beleif is that Mclaren focused so strongly on getting Hamilton the best car for last year that they didn't do to much planning this year. They must be contenders for any best sporting acumen prizes along with Dwain Chambers and OJ Simpson.

So that was the week that was. Well not really (The G20 story is a pretty big one to miss), but they are all the stories which can be turned into funny headlines. Farcical, trivial and annoying in equal measure they act as a reminder of how mental the world we live in is- bring back the credit crunch based news, its almost more enjoyable.

The Jake and Tiarnan Podcast - Episode 1

In Espisode One of the All new Jake and Tiarnan Podcast we talk about twinstinct, glove auctions and Kebabs in pots. We also make some remarks which are totally untrue and by no means meant to represent fact. Apart from that we've got "Tiarnan's Making a good Impression" and the utterley shit Andy Kapp. Click here and then follow the instructions to download and subscribe so you never miss an epsiode!

Beat Barca, Be Champions

Liverpool are flying. Man United have got the easiest draw possible. Arsenal are playing a team that are of a similar slight, fleet footed ilk - and no one can beat Arsenal at their own game. Chelsea are reinvigorated under Guus Hiddink. But none of them will win the Champions league.

I think that the most important cup in Club football is the Catalan's to lose. The English have their merits but there is one vital point to remember - if Barca chose to the will score more goals than you. They may be slightly shaky in defense (as shaky as a team with the imperious Carles Puyol can be) and their keeper is definitely pants but that apart they are undoubtedly the best team in the world. .English teams have the firepower to beat Barcelona but have they got the defenses to keep them out? Two weeks ago I would have said yes, Nemanja Vidic could keep Jesus out if he chose to. But now after the most ridiculous performance from a player of his supposed quality and another loss at the weekend United look shaky. If Zoltan Gera can breech their defense then how will they fare against Eto'o, Messi, Henry, Xavi, Alves and Iniesta.

After the amount of hyperbole I have attached to them they are now almost certain to be knocked out by Bayern but I hope they aren't. I hope they play an English team and beat them resoundingly, I hope they show that style is better than substance and you can play 4-5-1 all you like but a trio of the worlds most gifted forwards will always be better. But most of all I want to see John Terry utterly exposed by a 5 foot nothing Argentinian child with a penchant for dribbling and a hair cut like Frodo Baggins.

Criiiiiinggggeeee

I can't claim to even have a partial understanding of the Duckworth Lewis method,but if I were a West Indian cricket coach I would hope to at least be able to use the converter sheet in order to interpret the score. However it seems that even this is too much for the spoiling, crowd shunning squad currently masquerading as a cricket team.

So intent was their manager John Dyson on coming off for bad light ,with the match in the balance, to secure a dead, unfulfilling win that he did so whilst getting the maths wrong, leaving England one run ahead. So they lost. As David Lloyd repeated more times than I care to remember "Just play the game!".

It is cricket at its worst and perpetuates its unfair portrayal as boring and without resolution around the world. England may be winners in name but the West Indians, those that paid for tickets into the ground, those sat watching expectantly at home and -most importantly- the game itself all lost heavily.

Better than Barack?

They may not be world leaders. They may not be Harvard Law graduates. They aren't fighting against an entrenched system of prejudice. But they are very, very funny.

At the constant prompting of a friend I have started down loading the Hamish and Andy podcast, forty minutes of edited highlights from a daily drive time show in Australia. As well as being free and funny (every day) it features some quality guests (last weeks sampling: The Kings of Leon, Russell Brand and...Zac Efron). On the downside it makes me laugh out loud when walking to school in the morning and I am close to taking a pounding from the "rough" kids who wear hats as part of their uniform. I think they attribute my laughs to their trivial conversation (sample: "I bought ten fags da ova day" "init! dat from corner shop?" "yeah" "da one where Zoe gave the man behind the counter a blowie for 3 Lambert and butler" "yeah") or mental illness both valid reasons for a pasting in their tiny, tiny minds.

So any way, download it, listen and be merry. Another 42 minutes of my day not spent on A level study...

May Peace be With you

After my recent entry regarding the Damned United and the brouhaha (what a word) made about the TV programs, I decided to treat myself to the first in David Peace's Red Riding quartet 1974. Just as my A levels are approaching I have become addicted to yet another series of ulterior sources that have no input to my syllabus. Brilliant.

Narrated in the same gritty stream as The Damned... and punctuated by more fucks that a prostitutes work day, 1974 is a hard, cold bastard of a book. Grisly, unflinching and intelligent it evokes a place and time like nothing I have ever read and, just as The Wire perfectly depicts Baltimore, it captures Leeds and Yorkshire in all its morose, nicotine stained glory. Protaganist Eddie is a conflicted, bitter crime reporter back from a stint on Fleet Street and trying to drag himself out of the shadow of provincal legend Jack Whitehead. He is beautifully drawn, desperate for validation and inflicted with a venomous self loathing for the means he will use in order to gain it. As the plot weaves the main story line of missing children together with local political intrigue and corrupt coppers there is a seeming constant foreboding foreshadowing of the dire events which are seem set to come. Dire events which I haven't reached yet but I will by tommorow hopefully ( I read over half of the book in an hour and a half earlier such was it's addictiveness).

I wish that I had read them in time to catch the big budget channel four adaptations from last week. I'll get round to them at some stage and have been reliably informed they are out on DVD on the 13th of April. I'm definatley going to fail my A Levels...

Still the Man

Barack Obama's poll numbers are falling. As I know from my detailed study of The West Wing these numbers will be studied feverishly in the bowels of the White House and reasons why will be thrashed out along with strategies to combat any "decline". They have been cited as evidence in some media circles as irrevocable proof that the American people no longer have faith in Super B and think all this economic stimulus stuff is simply ghastly.

I however still have faith in the Big O. I also think that such data does not point to an iminent bloody coup but instead just to reality. Ever since Barack Attack has come to power he has sought to dampen expectations which by any standards were hysterical. He was getting results in polls usually reserved for leaders like Hitler and was widely hailed as saviour of the world. I'm not suggesting for a second that he isn't but eventually some people were going to get a bit annoyed what with all the economic apocalypse etc. But Barack is doing his best in horrible circumstances made by faceless others and has done some other brilliant stuff whilst trying to halt the death throes of the stock markets (federal funding for stem cells etc.).

I think hes still clearly, totally, utterly the best candidate for the job and- despite the dip- 61% of people agree with me.

Frankly my Dear I dont give a damned

There are a few factors that I tend to look for when deciding what films to see first at the cinema. One obviously is interesting subject matter. The second is a good cast and last, if applicable, is brilliant source material. If these are the solid tenants of cinematic greatness then The Damned United is going to be incredible.

It deals with the forty four days legend Brian Clough spent managing Leeds Utd. before walking out. This is enticing for both concering a club very close to my heart and a man that makes Jose Mourinho look boring. The time period examined is perhaps the most pure encapsulation of everything that made Clough the man he was; a man driven by challenge, thirsty for sucess, restless for validation and angry at a world that had ended his career when he was in his pomp. Perhaps it is difficult viewing for the Clough family, showing the darkest corners of his ambition and the aspect of his meglomania not reflected in interview induced gobbets.

They have chosen to boycott the film, mainly based on the fact that they took umbridge with David Peace's book of the same name. The novel is a dark re-imagining of the short period in which Clough inherited a squad of players inherently loyal to their erstwhile leader Don Revie. It details their systematic denial of Clough's authority and the manager's hard headed response to dissent he was entirely unused to. Narrated through a jagged, exposing stream of conciousness the football centric plot acts as vehicle for an examination of paranoia, self destruction and vicious male competitiveness. It's an entirely imagined scenario but one that sits well with it's characters. Revie's team had become so synonymous with the "Dirty Leeds" name and were so utterly formed in his image it does not take to great a leap to imagine a man as independant as Clough clashing with men who adored their manager, whose relationship with Clough had been consistently acrimonious. It's an affecting, startling novel that swings for the kidneys and then throws surreptitious headbutts to an audience bewildered by it's style; an audience who feel the acrid smoke in Cloughie's lungs, the searing whiskey on his tongue and the venomous bitterness in his heart

The cast assembled for the Damned United is truly incredible and represents the most distinguished British actors of a generation. Michael Sheen is playing the man himself and if his performance is as impressive as the one displayed in Frost/ Nixon then there will be something closely resembling a doppelganger projected on screen. Jim Broadbent, perhaps the most imperious yet subtle British actor working today, takes the part of Derby chairman Sam Longson with Tim Spall as jilted right hand man Peter Taylor. The iconic role of Billy Bremner, Revie's flame haired enforcer, has been given to Steven Graham who was terrifying as a Skin Head in This is England. It's a cast made up of serious credible actors who take good scripts instead of quick pay days and a film written by The Queen scribe Peter Morgan. These facts suggest a film in homage to the man and the source material rather than something to exploit the obvious popularity of both aforementioned factors.

The stage is set for The Damned United to be brilliant and I hope fervently that it is. There are suggestions that it will be a lighter experience than the novel which may find a more appropriate line between the real man and the grit of the of Peace's imaginings. I think that Ol Big 'Ead would expect a film of quality to be made about him and I don't think The Damned United will dissapoint.

Real Drama

The Champions league is brilliant. It's also an overbloated, money sucking maelstrom that isn't what it claims to be and that should be returned to it's original format- but mainly it's brilliant. Week nights usually mean repeats of New Tricks and too much time spent on the internet, but every couple of months my evenings schedule is punctuated by watching two of europe's top teams slug it out.

In terms of romantic connotations there are is no better tie to watch than Liverpool vs. Real Madrid, such is the affinity of each club with the competition. Couple that with the Anfield atmosphere under lights and Steve Rider's hair and you have a match of high promise. Last nights entertainment was set to be especially enjoyable given the tight nature of the tie; Liverpool a goal ahead but wildly inconsistent against a Madrid team stung by criticism and eager to atone for their previous performance.

In the end it was none of these things. It was however an utter mauling of one of Europes footballing giants by a team that lost to Middlesborough the Sunday before last. Liverpool fans would have obviously been overjoyed by the verve and spirit with which their team played but I was just a bit gutted. I had prepared myself for an evening of high drama and instead got the equivalent of a boxing match between Rocky Marciano and Frank Spencer. There was brilliance in Fernando Torres' imperious 90 minute rebuke of Pepe as human not fit to lace his boots, after being kicked so unceremoniously by him for 45 minutes 2 weeks ago in Madrid, but I wanted a close game, decided by a moment of brilliance or a catastrophic error.

I ended up turning over to the Test match that I derided on here recently. England looked beat and in the end they were, but for a moment it looked like I would be watching at the time of a momentous victory. When James Anderson sent Darren Powell's middle stump catapulting from the Trinidadian turf ,with a yorker that had more swing than a frisbee, there was a glimmer of a beautiful, famous victory; a triumph of offensive over negative cricket. But as the overs that followed trickled away with Denesh Ramdin and Fidel Edwards blocking as the West Indians had done all day it was clear it would be a case of so close, but yet so far regardless of how many times Monty Panesar clapped his hands and screamed interminable pleas to the umpires. In the end Andrew Strauss will probably wish that it had never come so close. The West Indies never endangered the cautious total of some 250 runs and the lunchtime declaration yesterday looks terribly mistimed. It calls Strauss' judgment as captain into question and confirms him as pin cushion for Ian Botham's barbed jibes my favourite of which yesterday went something like "One over left here. England need two wickets for the win. Perhaps more excitingly lets see if the West Indies can get the 137 that they need "

Although its certain I prefer tight finishes I think Beefy would prefer it if England gave themselves a little more time in the future.

That Joke isn't funny anymore

It was somewhere mid way through the second series of Little Britain that I stopped laughing. Up until then I hag giggled along at the naughty words and rude costumes but after hearing "I don't like it" from a gentleman in wheelchair again I realised what a stupid, ridiculous spectacle the whole thing was. Laughing at exactly the same joke over and over again placed in a slightly different conxtext is usually a habit reserved for the clinically insane but somehow David Walliams, Matt Lucas and Catherin Tate had made it socially acceptable for millions. I promised there and then never to watch a bad sketch show made for stupid people ever again. No longer would I sit and wait for an old woman to shout "What a fucking liberty!" or a schoolgirl to say "Am i Bovvered?". The brilliant and original Extras ,by comedy genius' Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant, made me realise that this was all a risible excuse for comedy and should be treated as such- just as Andy Millman's terrible When the Whistle Blows is within their second sitcom. (I've often wondered if anyone turned over when a segment from WTWB was being played during Extras, laughed heartily and was gutted when it ended and the real comedy began)

All of these things made me especially gutted when I heard that James Corden and Matthew Horne were working on a sketch show. After the intelligent and well written Gavin and Stacey this seemed like a step backwards rather than forwards, although it could be brilliant. What I am most scared of is another catch phrased based comedy with the same absurd slogan being shouted each week for no tangible reason. I sensed that Gavin and Stacey may be on the way to such banality during the Christmas special when the oft repeated "Oh...Whats occuring?" came dangerously close to catch phrase status. Hopefully it won't and will instead retain it's myriad examples of linguistic brilliance rather than pinning all of it's laughs on one phrase. But before that James Corden and Matthew Horne have to make sure they don't reverse the tide of good will they garnered for their good natured sitcom by squandering it on an dieing format and boring catch phrases.

Quick Draw

I hope the West Indies lost the fourth test. Not because I want England to win through some patriotic fervour but because of the deplorable way that they set themselves up in this test match.

I have always enjoyed the laborious tactical aspect of test cricket. The way in which the pitch is examined as if an ancient work of art, the manner in which captains tailor fields to certain players and the stringing of six balls together to form a cohesive plan of an over are attractive and engrossing to watch. The Ashes victory for England in 2005 showed me that this nuance could be coupled with incredible action evident in Harmison's dismissal of Kasprowicz with 2 runs to spare, Freddy Flintoff's demolition of the Aussie attack with half an arm and Shane Warne bowling Andrew Strauss by pitching the ball somwhere just outside the boundary rope.

The West Indies have refuted all these memories with their defensive performance in The Port of Spain. Although they haven't won a test series in 5 years and are desperate to do so playing so ardently for a draw doen't make for enticing cricket and could make for a emmbarassing loss. It seems strange for Chris Gayle, such an exciting batsman, to want to play so negatively. The wickets have helped such torpor inducing fare and there has to be some measure of responsibility placed on England's inability to score quickly but all the same: Brendan Nash pootling in for 20 overs? Really?

It looks like it's going to be difficult for England to get anything from the series, mainly because of declaration hesitancies and mattress-like wickets, but also because of Negativity from the Windies. It's not something England are likely to encounter in the Ashes but when Ricky Ponting and Aussie Wunderkind Phil Hughes start putting bat on ball we may just start begging for a bit of restraint.

Ipod Tales

I suppose, given the standard of Sunday's carling cup final,they had to find an angle to make it interesting but Ben Foster's mundane story of Ipod secrets is just...boring. Goalkeepers watch tapes of prospective penalty takers all the time before matches and it must give them some idea of which way to go but unfortunatley I think it may be Jamie O'hara's poor spot kick that made him miss rather than an MP3 player meaning that foster saved. As Andy Gray always says it was at a perfect height for the keeper and it was O'hara allowing Foster a chance to save that gave the keeper the plaudits. Gomes went the right way for Gigg's penalty but the Prem's greatest ever player put it so far in the corner that there was no chance he could save it, and a small chance that it was going wide.

What next ? "Flintoff claims Ashes triumph after PS3 helps him relax in the outfield", "Andy Murray wins Wimbledon after on court juicer means high level of antioxidants". I'm all for technical innovation but I'd prefer it was to stop ridiculous decisions than give a keeper something to do before a shootout. The authorities haven't yet found a way of doing it effectively though, as shown by the widespread chagrin of the Sky coverage team at the test match. Referalls take to long, can be innacurate and terrible for the spectators that come along to the ground. I think if I had paid money to be there I'd be moaning instead about Englands overly defensive tactics and the abject fear they have of being chased down , like in India recently, that leads them to having to put 2,000 on the board before a declaration. But then I'd be in Barbados so I don't think I'd have any cause to moan at all...